Tag: samit sharma

Samit Sharma

Published June 5, 2015

How’s your doody?     

This is the expanded form of Howdy. But quite disturbingly, doody means poop. So I don’t know how Texans greet others by questioning ‘how’s your poop?’. Nevertheless, millions of people fling poop-inquiries as a greeting. But it’s the thought that matters. And the accent matters too.       

I’m a month away from college. I don’t like that. Stupid clichés about college, like a hundred people in a class, a tonne of socialism, and how do I put this, the really weird Indian hook-up culture (there isn’t one) are some of the reasons. There are upsides, like more caffeine, and more pizza. But what do I know? Everything I know about college comes from old Disney shows and assorted  movies. Googling ‘what am I supposed to do in college’ is like an American Pie script. I’ll try and set up a geek fraternity. You know, ’cause that is what I do. And like all geeks, I’ll step into college with absolutely no idea how it works. Skol, to supposedly the best years of my life.       

(Obligatory opinion about Maggi) : If there’s one thing I love more that Tacos and Pizza, it’s Maggi. ‘Cause it’s the fastest of the three. Maggi samples are good to go in Maharashtra, but overall, people should be glad there’s lead in that stuff. That way, Maggi is more than empty calories. As for me, I’m being an optimist and am happy to see there’s no mercury in Maggi. Still, I panicked and stocked 4 six-packs just in case it goes bop.        

This is the last week of holidays for many. And is also the last time I sign off with happy holidays for a few months. I’ll think of a cool sign off for the not-holidays.         Tis, mate was Weekly Email Blast, email 11. Happy Holidays!!!

Samit Sharma

Published May 29, 2015

POPCORN !     

There is absolutely no reason Popcorn can’t be an awesome way to say hello. No human can dislike Popcorn. You can gorge on tonnes. Okay grams of popcorn. So why shouldn’t it be a part of everyday conversations? Better stick to classic flavoured popcorn. The cheese version tastes cool, but is twice as much as calories.       

This is the last weekend of May. Which means Monday is June. Damn. June is one of those months which are like a roller coaster ride. For the last thirteen years, June meant new school stuff, like great-smelling textbooks that are only worth reading while you poop.And stationery and bags and stuff. Also, it starts raining. Plus, there’s the first day of school. There’s so much in thirty days, and not a single holiday. There were holidays because of water logging, but then the drainage system got better. It’s a weird month, June. And it changes for me, now that I’ve (hopefully) passed out from school. I’ll leave out the nostalgia. I’m not old enough for nostalgia.     

The end of school presents me with a mind-numbing, brain-twisting dilemma: which stream should I select, the All mighty Arts or the Supreme Sciences. I know I’m overselling ’em. I’ve had three ‘aptitude tests’ but I’m pretty much clueless about what I’m gonna do besides ruling earth. So far, I’ve ruled out what I don’t wanna do when I grow up. I’ve listed about a hundred ‘professions’ that I wouldn’t mind. Email back if you want the PDF. And if I can’t make up my mind, I can always get recruited in the Army. Indian Army. I love guns and armoured vehicles, so why not? And there is a chance of getting to be a secret agent. But as a cover up, I have kinda maybe possibly selected journalism. You know, Tintin stuff. The future dictator too, shall have a day job.       

All that aside, it’s the tenth week of the email blast!!! *Pops open a bottle of champagne* *Can’t drink* I’m only 16. But still, here’s to celebrating Email Blasts. Cheers!   

‘Tis, mate was Weekly Email Blast, Email 10. Happy Holidays!!!

Samit Sharma

Published May 22, 2015

Hiya there !!!     

I’m sure if I don’t pick a consistent greeting anytime soon, I’m gonna run out of greetings. There might be a dark day, when I greet you with a casual hello. That would really be a dark day in the history of email blasts.     

I tried learning a lot of different languages over the past two months. Now I have a hotchpotch of basic French, German, Spanish and Latin in my brain. I should’ve stuck to one language and mastered it, but like I said, I hotchpotched. But I nailed some accents. Accents don’t need a particular language. So I practised and did well with Italian, Spanish, British, Scottish and Australian accents. Sounds like a lot, but it’s easy to pull off. And thus, I found a new forte. My new mojo in infancy : accents. Cheers to that.      

All those languages and accents did some damage too. I’m forgetting Hindi. Or whatever Mumbai dialect of Hindi I speak in. I realised that I now don’t speak in Hindi a lot. Or listen to a lot of Hindi. So I took a test. I tried writing something in Hindi. And whoa, there was some vocabulary decay, the first phase of language Alzheimer’s. Grandma said I need to start reading Hindi books. But I won’t. I’m fine with English ones. And here’s a bumper sticker proverb that might make it big if the Government bans ‘Horn OK please’: LOVE THY MOTHER TONGUE. And make sure you don’t forget it.       

Enough for ’tis week, people. The good thing is, I love English, and Email Blasts are in English. Hooray. And my hometown’s doing great in the IPL. Double Hooray.       

‘Tis, mate was Weekly Email Blast, Email 9. Happy Holidays.      

Samit Sharma

Published May 15, 2015

What up, peep ?     

I suck at street slang. I won’t start with such an introduction again. Promise. Pinky Promise. And by the way, my right hand pinky has a titanium insert, so there’s no way I break a pinky promise.      

It is rare for me to relate myself to a character from a Bollywood movie. But that changed when I saw Bhaskor Bannerji from Piku. Piku is a great movie but what intrigued me was that the Bengali geezer Bhaskor was pretty much ME. Think I’m kidding? Here : Constant rants about Low IQ, absolutely critical of art and intellect, kinda insensitive, and speaks with no regard of social norms. Am I describing me or old BB ? You can’t tell cause we’re both at least similar if not the same. I don’t wanna grow that old. But now I’m sure I’m gonna be alive till my late sixties. And now that I’m talking about his character, I would like to add that my Digestive tract is great and my Colon loves me. That’s a difference but I feel you’d be fine if I hadn’t had mentioned that.       

If you haven’t seen Piku, the last paragraph would’ve been a little cloudy for you. Now that I have opened the Pandora’s Box called Bollywood, I’m gonna say that Bollywood isn’t all bad, but it sure is crappy. There are some really good actors and then there are pure shitpunks who are like jail proof ( talk about being subtle ). There are no scripts, no plots but there sure is a women-objectifying song and dance sequence. Still, morons insist on going to movies without reading a single critic’s review.      

Hey make sure you don’t miss Doctor Who on Fox FX tonight at nine. Finally. Why? ‘CAUSE IT’S DOCTOR WHO. Again, people who knowingly ignore such great shows have a low IQ and no sense of good and bad.      

‘Tis, mate was Weekly Email Blast, Email 8 (courtesy pop culture). Happy Holidays !!!

Samit Sharma

Published May 8, 2015

Hello-dilly-doo, fellas !!!

I didn’t make hello boring. I made it Texan. Texan means American, which means great. Anyhoo, I hope you’re doing great (of course you are, you’re reading the Email Blast! Also, Duh)     

I write this email in a car on my way home. Which is a big pain in the neck. Literally. I was on vacation at Bhandardara. (Weekend destination 28 of 52 according to Outlook Traveller’s 52 Weekend breaks from Mumbai) It sounds boring, but is a good retreat. The wind is around 12 miles an hour and the lake keeps the weather cool. There was rain and hail on Tuesday. Why am I telling you this? Keep reading.     

Tuesday night, after Mumbai won their IPL match, mom was the first one to go to her room in the Suite. She was reading a book on her bed when I noticed a rather big creepy crawly a few inches from her. What creepy crawly?A scorpion. I told her and dad to get out of the bed ( they didn’t believe me initially). Then I sprayed it with Axe because I read it somewhere. It stung itself. It scrambled around on the bed, and then Dad landed a good Woodland shoe on it. All this happened in a minute. We called house keeping. They got rid of it after I got this picture. ( Viewer discretion is advised)

Don’t freak out. The arachnid was just looking for a dry place after the untimely rain. Unfortunately, that place was my parents’ bed. Mom and Dad fell asleep after the bed mattress was changed. As for me, I am now convinced I am God. Actually, I’m thinking of starting of my religion so I can claim it’s better than other religions. That’s what all religions do. Just claims, no proof. See people, even God (me) is an atheist.        

I’m sorry if you thought this email was gnarly. (I was actually going for that). I’m going to stop typing now.        

‘Tis, mate was Weekly Email Blast, Email 7. Happy Holidays !!!

Samit Sharma

Published May 1, 2015

Guten Tag !!!

This week, it’s hello in German. I’ll try to get a more consistent way to greet ya someday down the line. Till then, I’ll keep changing languages or dialects. Just so you know, I never google anything when I write emails. I rely on my amazing genius. This email is a segment of this week’s genius.         

I feel I have changed this morning onward. Not ’cause it’s May but ’cause my mother brutally halved my coffee intake. I am a big time coffee addict. Actually, caffeine addict. Medically I shouldn’t exceed 400 mg of caffeine a day. But actual intake is double that much. I defended myself and said the human body adapts, and the drug caffeine is what keeps me alive. But nope. I am now deprived of true, strong coffee. I don’t like stupid brews with too much milk and sugar. However, that is all I will get when mom’s around. She made me drink green tea this morning. That stuff isn’t green. It’s tea that looks like pee and tastes like stale water.   

Speaking of things that suck, I have to mention socializing. Here’s an amazing analogy : Socializing is like Limbo, where the bars are lower for every time you have a second go. The standards are low. But it still is an human instinct. Not in my case. I don’t mind staying away from some homo sapiens if I have cool books lying around and good Wi-Fi in the air. Another option is to a form a cult of really smart geeks, which will result in the rare, good form of socialism.          

I don’t know if you’re a big fan of UFC, but I’m compelled to mention the oversold Floyd  Mayweather vs Manny Pacquiao fight that will be telecast in India Sunday Morning. You might not like UFC, but you will like this particular fight. I can vouch for that. Plus, tomorrow is Comic Book Day (Awwwoooga!!!!). All in all, the first weekend of May can’t disappoint. A few years ago, May meant the Harry Potter movies on Pogo. But Pogo’s gone really bad now. May continues to be awesome.         

I support Net Neutrality and I did email TRAI. But then TRAI made my email ID public. My account has been acting funny. That’s probably why you possibly got a deranged incomplete Email Blast an hour ago. This email is the real deal.         

So, ‘Tis mate, was Weekly Email Blast, Email 6. Happy Holidays !!!

Samit Sharma

Published April 24, 2015

Olà, matey !!!      

This week, I greeted ya in Portuguese. I’m not cool with the same hello every week. I should tell you though, Olé is Spanish and Olà is Portuguese. Don’t dodder over that. Anyhoo, this is the first Email Blast I write as a sixteen year old. I don’t think it impacts how I write (I guess). There is an attachment with this email. But just read to end before you open the PDF.       

My sixteenth birthday wasn’t bad at all. I got some cool presents from people who know me and currency notes of huge denominations from clueless relatives. I don’t mind my birthday being my job. It’s well paying but the downside is that it comes just once a year. With socialism. I realized a really important thing about me and socializing. The best way I socialize is by letting other social groups do that. I don’t want a social group unless 90’s cartoons and minions come to life. That means it’ll take quite a lot of time till I’m part of a social group. People won’t cease being people. I can’t change that. I’m better off ruling them.       

Avengers: Age of Ultron comes out today. This is the kind of thing that pushes eyeballs out of eye sockets and you go Awoooga !!! I get to see Avengers second installment tomorrow and I can’t wait. I’ve kinda seen the movie on Disney XD on Marvel’s Avengers: Assemble. All Marvel movies are shows or segments of shows on kids’ channel but way better. You can’t go wrong with the cast and literally everything else in a Avengers’ movie. God bless Nick Fury. And geeks. And pandas.       

If you think life is going easy-peezy and you don’t like it that way, create your own language. I did. It gets nerve wracking but in the end you have something that screams you and you only. I am speaking in the context of EmPerrish, and the first thing about EmPerrish that is part of the PDF attached. It has words that seem English that are fun to speak. My pen-pal said it’s boring. But she’s French and Blonde, and I really like her so I won’t reply to her once. That’s it. EmPerrish sounds best in a British accent. So get Siri or an Englishman read it or pretend you have an British accent. If nothing works, squat.       

As usual, you get this on Friday. Today, about two hours late. I’m slowly expanding the horizons of weekly email blasts. The PDF is one tiny baby step.        

‘Tis, mate was Weekly Email Blast, Email 5. Happy Holidays !!!      

Samit Sharma

Published April 21, 2015

Oh my Me, it’s my 16th birthday !!!   

Today’s the only day in time that I can say I’m exactly 16 years old. It’s not like the clock strikes 12 and I transform into a stereotypical 16 year old with pimples, and a corny relationship, who thinks about Facebook more than food. Nope. I think about food more than anything else. Err… if I believed in stats from factbooks there’s one other thing but I’ll let that roll. I’m talking about sex, if the last sentence was to subtle for ya. I’m anything but stereotypical.   

I got a lot of calls after 12 am today with people wishing me for my 16th birthday. Joke’s on them, ’cause I’m not 16 till 6:18 pm today evening. Most Giant Pandas live to be 20 or something. But I’m also a human so my life expectancy is three times that number. Again, age is just a number. A really important number.     

Presents are awkward propositions for teens. Not me. ‘Cause I’m up front about what I want for my birthday with family and some relatives. But there are clueless people who think money in an envelope is a present. My parents have already gifted me an iPhone. I won’t bother them for the Glock 17 for a couple of years now.

Strangely, I will socialize today at a fast food joint which has received some pretty scathing emails from me. I have no idea what will happen. I just hope no one dies. Social events are way out of my league. But hey, everyone does something stupid.     

The panda, geek and future dictator (all of them me) wrote this today afternoon. But I send this email to you at 6:18 pm. The only minute in my life I am exactly 16. ‘Tis, mate was Sam’s 16th B’Day Email Blast. Happy Holidays!!!

Samit Sharma

Published April 17, 2015

Salve, Amicus !!!

That should translate to Ahoy, Matey. Salve means hello or greetings in Latin. Amicus actually means friend, but I didn’t want to search ‘Mate in Latin’ (he he) on Google. It gives a bad impression of me to NSA, which I am sure gets my emails, like everything on the internet. But because this email is supposed to reach you, I’ll write how I usually do.       

Somewhere in a book of quotes I read the following quote : Critics are often failed artists. But they didn’t mention whose quote it was. I read this like around a year ago. And then it slipped out of my mind. But it did give me a push I needed to do creative stuff and brag about it. I criticize a lot of stuff. And I won’t change that. Last week I found the source of this quote : T.S. Eliot. I’ve barely read works by Eliot. All I know is that he was a critic who called Shakespeare’s Hamlet an artistic failure. That’s his opinion. He was a critic and I’d say a good artist too. That’s my opinion.So to people who give critics a bad rap: Don’t hate the player, hate the game.       

Enough serious stuff. I’m not that good at writing serious stuff. I’m still trying to find my mojo when it comes to being creative. Again, I’m a genius so I’ll figure it out someday. As of now, I’m creating my own language. It’s called EmPerrish. Trust me, creating a language is not easy. Also, trust me when I say never trust anyone who uses the phrase ‘Trust me’ often. EmPerrish is the kind of language that heavily borrows from Latin. Like every other language on earth. And possibly in the Multiverse. The first PDF about EmPerrish shall be attached to Weekly Email Blast #5. I hope you’re excited.        

This is the last paragraph of this email. Don’t be surprised at the short length. The next Email blast will be Sam’s Sixteenth Birthday Email Blast. It will reach your inbox this Tuesday, the 21st of April 2015, my sixteenth birthday, before  Weekly Email Blast #5. ‘Tis, mate was Weekly Email Blast, Email 4. Happy Holidays !!!!

Samit Sharma

Published April 10, 2015

Howdy matey !!!      

No, I’m not a cowboy. Nor I am from Texas. But I’ve recently seen some of John Wayne’s movies, so howdy it is. I’m pretty darn good at American trivia. Not at speaking English in a cowboy accent. So I won’t try to do that. Instead, now that you’ve got a hang of my kind of emails, I’ll dig straight in (probable grammar boo boo).     

Well recently Ukraine banned communism. I really hate communism. Really do. I think it’s a great move. I won’t bore you with political mumbo-jumbo, but teach you a new word: kakistocracy ( a government under the control of a nation’s worst or least-qualified citizens). So if you think of it this way, when you give the reigns of development to the working or labour class, it’s a kakistocracy. I don’t like governments in the first place, but as of now, I can’t help.     

I’m sorry if you got bored. If you did get bored, you’re a part of of the 76% of people who don’t give a crap about politics. It’s not your fault. The world ain’t perfect. It is in fact, really screwed up. So until I start ruling, just put up with it. I’m actually pretty serious about being the Dictator of the world. It’s not a pipe dream. It’s my ultimate life goal. I don’t even have any advice of how to do it ’cause no one ever tried. So when I am Dictator (The world’s first Panda-geek dictator), I’ll get to rule the world, plus I get to write a bestselling book on how to be Dictator of the World. That’s enough incentive for me.     

I hate it when people on the internet make you choose one particular thing off two great choices. It’s not good. The most difficult one for me is Smurfs (should be Smurves. Screw you, grammar) vs Minions. I’d go for the Smurfs ’cause of Katy Perry, but I’d also go for the Minions ’cause they’re evil, like me. What do I do ? Simple : don’t make a choice. When you love both things equally, don’t make a choice. I’ll wait till one of them gets a little less better. Then I’ll join the better camp but I won’t speak ill of the other one (I sound like a diplomat, don’t I?). So that’s that. I’ve cleared the air about difficult choices.     

Speaking of difficult choices, there’s a simple rule about choosing between crushes. You don’t make a choice. You should be equally content with any one of ’em if you call multiple people your crushes. My first crush was Daphne Blake, from Scooby Doo. Fast forward fourteen years and the crush on the top of the list is Emma Watson. Ergo, when given a choice I’d take both of ’em on a date. It’s that simple.     

Today’s World farm animal day and World sibling day. You can’t exactly celebrate ’em. So instead, every Friday you should celebrate the Weekly Email Blast. ‘Tis, mate was Weekly Email Blast, Email 3. Happy Holidays !