Tag: samit sharma

Samit Sharma

Published May 13, 2016

Sweet Sixty!         

Three scores’ worth of emails.  Five dozens’ worth of blasts. So many ‘cringeworthy’ ways to start an email. God I hate that word.         

I finally watched Captain America: Civil War last night. And boy do I have strong I have strong opinions about it. The movie itself was fine, except the end, which was very sad. It was tragic that Iron Man didn’t kill stupid Captain America. And his sucky friend Bucky. The movie made me repent missing AntMan. I’m just bitter because I didn’t see Tony Stark ripping Steve Rogers and James Barnes in half. And the new Spider Man costume is silly, just like every Pepper Potts reference in the movie. The Marvel Cinematic Universe desperately needs a good solid foe, a worthy antagonist to the new expanded Avengers. They decommissioned Loki, and don’t want Thanos around for another year, so all they got now is angry Sokovian heels. This is all just like professional wrestling.           

Exactly like professional wrestling. Normal people with gimmicks when at work, face (heroes) and heel(villains) characters, almost monthly pay per views that build up to a huge WrestleMania once every year or so in which you need to call in favours from all your superstars. Marvel and WWE should merge together. They’re practically the same entities. He he he. Never mind that. Both WWE and Marvel work with kayfabe. Make-believe. It’s all feuds and rivalries that aren’t true, but aren’t bad either. I might be onto something huge here.             Ah kayfabe. Something I’ve stood by almost my entire life. And made my life into.           

Tis, mate was the Weekly Email Blast, email 60. Happy holidays !!!

Samit Sharma

Published May 6, 2016

Wheeeee!

Presenting the first email I wrote while roller skating. I’m not kidding. I haven’t taken off my skates since 1 pm today. It’s so much fun. Rolling straight into your inbox. Lace up, mate.

A certain first page ad on the Mumbai Mirror today reminded me of my love of skating, the only conventional sport I might be good at. (If you consider it a sport. I don’t. I think of skating as Iron man on a budget.) I learnt how to improve my skating every summer vacation from grade 1 to the vacation before grade 9. Then it sort of faded away. School and now college never had anything to do with skating. They preferred low tech sports that primates could play too. You need to know how to stand upright to skate, something apes cannot do. Roller skating separates humans from monkeys more than any other sport. And the world chose to ignore it.         

 Speaking of great things the world is ignoring, how is Bernie Sanders still second to Hillary Clinton? He’s clearly the only American Presidential candidate who isn’t an idiot. Plus, birds love him. His policies are better than Hillary’s but he doesn’t have enough delegates rooting for him. He’s a better dancer too. Heck, even renowned idiot and future president of America, Donald Trump agrees with me about this.

Twitter’s favourite joke might soon be a reality. Make fun of Trump while you can, mate. It’s soon gonna be outlawed. Trump has no rival candidates from his party after the Zodiac killer bowed out of the election. Only a miracle can save America (and the world?) from Trump.           

‘Tis, mate, was the Weekly Email Blast, email 59. Happy holidays !!!

Samit Sharma

Published April 29, 2016

Holy Hell!            

That’s how hot it is outside. Hotter than hell. It’s so hot, Satan decided to take the week off. And it’s not just heat. It’s the damn humidity too, kicking us while we’re down. Seriously. Step outside your house between 11 and 5 for a free sauna. Use promo code ‘SUN-OF-A-BITCH’. 

This record breaking heat has had air conditioners working overtime, and worse, dried up most of our water reservoirs. India is in the middle of one of the worse droughts ever. Hence you see our awesome politicos working hard to set an efficient blaming system in place. It’s not long before they run out of people to blame and start blaming the sun and laws of thermodynamics for evaporation. However, mate, evaporation is not the number one cause of water loss. It’s wastage. Sometimes wastage of water before use, by effectively polluting a lot of freshwater at the damn source. There’s many reasons, but the crux of the matter is that many many living organisms in India and across the world are deprived of water.            

 There’s very little we can do about the problem. And the people we gave the power to deal with said problem don’t wanna. Enjoy the democracy.           

The little you can do is help out plants and animals who’ve been ignored all through this crisis. As people living in Bombay high-rises, we always get water. So much take some of that water and figure out a way to get it to the stray dogs, cats, birds, trees, etcetera in your vicinity. They never did anything to further elevate the water crisis, so they deserve water more than anyone else. As for humans, they just aren’t worth the trouble.                

There will always be a lot of people wanting to help other people. It’s not the same for people who wanna help out animals. See, animals are way better than humans. Way better. So let’s help them out too.               

‘Tis, mate, was the Weekly Email Blast, email 58. Happy holidays !!!

Samit Sharma

Published April 22, 2016

Holidays are here!*             

*Conditions apply.            

DISCLAIMER: This email is a product of the injury ( boo-boo) I sustained to my head while setting up my Blu Ray / Home Theatre system, which, FYI takes like four hours. Not the technical part, but tactfully clumping and or concealing wires away from human eyes. Sound technicians suck at that.            

Upgrading electronics around my house is the first thing on my to do list for the holidays. See, people don’t really care about electronics they can’t carry around in most cases. I do. I changed all lights in my house to LEDs, because they’re very pretty. I changed the ceiling fans because newer ones aren’t noisy, perfectly coupling together with respective ACs for relief from the horrible weather we’re used to having in Bombay. And I got a foosball table. The last one isn’t electronic, but is hours of fun.             

Reading is the second thing on my to do list for this summer. Especially Isaac Asimov. The guy who coined the term robotics, and like me believed robots are the future in almost every field imaginable. I’ve heard of him so many times and seen a bunch of movies based on his books but now, I’ll actually read his works. As e-books, not dead tree books. Trust me, buying e-books is hard. It feels like you didn’t accomplish anything at all. It’s way to easy, but is a natural progression; from tales of elders to manuscripts written by monks to printed books to ever changing dots on a screen.

I don’t actually have a to do list though. I just subconsciously know I got stuff to do. It is easier that way.           

Happy Earth Day!           

‘Tis, mate was the Weekly Email Blast, email 57. Happy holidays !!!

Samit Sharma

Published April 21, 2016

I’m 17 !         

Emails to a bunch of people on my birthday about my birthday can be deemed as clingy and desperate. 16 year old Sam thought this is a good idea, and as a huge, obsessive fan of consistency, I’ll just go with it. So here it is, matey, an email that can basically be summarized as ‘It’s my birthday; duh.’         

Turning 17 is not as huge a deal as you’d expect. Your 17th birthday is the buffer between your sweet sixteen(th) and big deal 18th birthday. Turning 16 is like a slight nudge into becoming an adult, but it’s when you turn 17 that you realize that this growing up thing is real. As a seventeen year old, I have just one year until I’m an actual adult. With access to adult movies, license to drive, full voting rights and a whole lot more. Turning 17 is pretty much the same in most ways as turning 16 is. I could even call it birthday 16S, ’cause the specs are pretty much the same as the last birthday and this year is more about refinements.             

16th and 18th birthdays take the spotlight away from poor birthday number 17. I, too was looking forward to turning 18 after I turned 16. 17 kind of got lost in the fray, even though it is every bit as important.              

Never mind all that number talk. Let’s talk about gifts: like every year, my parents rejected a dog and a gun as presents. : (  They had valid reasons: Dogs need time and attention while guns need a license. But still, : (  I got a new Blu Ray Home Theater System for my living room billed to ‘Sam’s Birthday’, but I’ll order a some LEGO set too, because hey, it’s my birthday.            Less mature 16 year old Sam thought turning 18 was kind of scary. 16 year old Sam changed that, and now17 year old Sam looks forward to being an adult in exactly a year. Bring it on.             

‘Tis, mate was the SAM’S 17TH BIRTHDAY EMAIL BLAST. Happy Holidays !

Samit Sharma

Published April 15, 2016

Radiculous.       

That’s what a Model United Nations conference is. A mix of rad and ridiculous. So here I am, (not exactly) ridiculing the Indian International Model United Nations, which for some stupid reason, everyone pronounces ‘Ay ay Mun’ (MUN like rhyming with fun).

 If you read any newspaper today, you would’ve read the part that mentioned ‘Hundreds of students ill after consuming food served at the IIMUN’ or something like that. Well yesterday, I consumed a little of that biryani too, and then puked once when I got home later in the evening. That was all. Importantly, I was a delegate of Argentina. For the UN’s Human Rights Council. It sounds boring, but really was fun. It was one person representing one country, and 40 such delegates formally discussing and debating Violations of Human Rights during a Civil war, with focus on the Syrian ISIS/Assad/Refugee crisis. And I can tell ya, you feel like a champ when wearing the most kickass suits and dissing ~communist~ delegate’s opinions in a caucus (Latin for meeting).           

I also won a ‘Special mention’ medal for my delegation which is a bronze medal which means I lost. The medal will join my vast collection of ‘You didn’t win, LOL’ collection of medals, which I keep near my even more embarrassing collection of ‘Sure, you were there too’ collection of Participation certificates.            

Mate, if you aren’t first, you’ve lost. Yer a loser if you ain’t high above all your other competitors. Frame this sentence and put it up on your wall for motivation. Don’t let famous sportspeople misguide you with ‘learning from mistakes and defeats’ crap quotes.             

I tend to write longer sentences when tired. Sorry about that.             

‘Tis, mate was the Weekly Email Blast, email 56. Happy Weekend !!!

Samit Sharma

Published April 8, 2016

Many Festivals!           

That’s what today is. Like 8 festivals crammed into one Friday. So many damn things are being celebrated across India, which is a testament to diversity and to wastefulness. Why be a productive tax paying citizen when you can celebrate five different New Years in just one year? Looks like even our godly sky wizards were unemployed.           

Tax paying reminds me of the god-awful Panama Papers, a 2.6 Terabyte proof that filthy rich people will do anything to get richer. Stupid, filthy, rich people. Hiding money from their government to get out of paying taxes. Regulated taxation is the one thing democratic governments got right. And tax evaders managed to ruin that too.

 Another thing today’s holiday manages to do is be the patron day of Electronics shopping. Being the last major holiday before the summers, today, a hodgepodge of religious celebrations is big buck electronic vendors’ last shot at profits before the summer slump in sales. I love that last sentence. What I also love is electronics shopping. My forte and favorite pastime. Bank on the many sales, matey, and get yourself a gadget. 

Yesterday I was inside the convocation hall of Mumbai University. Which, might I add, is mind-blowingly beautiful. For a lecture and panel discussion about the Holocaust. The speakers were the Consulate General of Germany, Consulate General of Hungary and the Consulate General of Israel. It was kind of a big deal, which the NSG commandos carrying sick automatic rifles around the campus proved. I witnessed some diplomatic animosity between the former perpetrators (Germany) and the victims (Israel and Hungary) of the worst case of mass genocide in human history. But you gotta respect the way these diplomats carry themselves. They really know their stuff.              

Diplomatic relations remind me of the ridiculous Model United Nations crap I’ve gotten myself into on Sunday, Thursday and Friday. I’ll ridicule that next week.             

‘Tis, mate was the Weekly Email Blast, email 55. Happy Weekend !!!

Samit Sharma

Published April 1, 2016

Happy April Fools’ Day, matey!           

Oh how difficult it was to not start the email with ‘Happy April, Fools!’. This year it’s also an April Fools weekend, so you can try experimenting with pranks that have fairly long lasting consequences. All I did today is put toothpaste in my brother’s Oreos. Anyone can out do that. I too, implore you to prank someone senseless today. We need to keep this tradition alive. It’s for science.              

There’s many things I wish were pranks. Among them are Democracies, Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign, news about terrorist attacks and stuff. You know, like the blast in Lahore this week. What kind of sick bastard blows himself up in a football park full of teens? And if you were one of the people crying foul over how people commiserated the Brussels blasts more than the Lahore blast, you’re pretty close to the bastard who blew himself up.              

I wrapped up 11th grade this Wednesday. And starting Monday, I’ll be in 12th grade for a week and then continue 12th grade after summer holidays come June. Like 10th grade in school. Frankly, Arts students don’t require these many lectures or any lectures at all. I’m done with 11th grade Arts, so here’s my review of it:           

” The Arts stream gets a bad rap in India. Mainly because Indians want kids to have the most conventional jobs possible that earn you this social concept of ‘dignity’. And money. As an Arts student, you get to learn what are possibly the most beautiful subjects on earth after science. These subjects are pretty open ended; they have immense relevance to everyday life. Which is why people who were designing the syllabus couldn’t milk it for all the marks they could. Science and commerce were exploited for all the teachable and gradable content they have. One can compare how good two people are on a test about commerce, but you really can’t do that with with an open ended subject (but the education department manages to do that too). As for the subjects, there’s over 50 subjects offered by the HSC board but most colleges only offer 4 choices out of history, political science, psychology, logic, philosophy and any one language. English and economics, sadly are compulsory. It’s a tragedy that they made ‘logic’ into a subject. But it’s also proof of an ‘educator’s urge to compare two people based on test scores. An Arts student gets a lot of free time because there’s very little to study. There’s a lot to learn, but still very little to study. Now whether that good or not is pretty subjective and open to discussion. To conclude, Arts or Humanities or Social Sciences is your last hope for ‘educational’ freedom. And as for the bad rap it gets, that’s pretty darn fair. 5/10, would not recommend. ”               

Sorry about that huge chunk of cheesy stuff. That’s one of the things that happen when you’re an Arts student and have too much free time. 

WrestleMania 32 is this Monday! At 0530 hours and then at 1800 hours. This paragraph would have mentioned the India vs New Zealand WT20 final, but never mind.              

‘Tis, mate was the Weekly Email Blast, email 54. Happy weekend !!!

Samit Sharma

Published March 25, 2016

Here’s to One Year of Emails!             

And to the people who lost their life on Tuesday, 22-03-2016 in Brussels, Belgium. Proving once again, some humans are the stupidest, most infuriating bastards you’ve ever seen and also that some are the hardiest, bravest creatures to walk the earth.

Technically, the first anniversary of the W.E.B. is on the 28th of March. But because the Gregorian calendar is asymmetrical, this is a leap year, and the inaugural email blast was on Saturday, today shall be celebrated as the 1st anniversary of the Weekly Email Blast!        

In honor of this anniversary, today has been rechristened as ‘Good Friday’ ( I was going for ‘Great Friday’ but settled for good because it’s good enough ) and is a public holiday almost worldwide. You’re welcome. Yesterday was another big festival, Holi. Obviously, it was a holiday. That’s the only good thing about it. A ‘festival’ corrupted to such an extent that it now as no bearing to the mythology it roots back to. Plus, it’s the opposite of cleanliness and the definition of wastage. Whatever it takes for validation from your peers, eh? Especially for several Indian millennials who are absolutely desperate for validation.           

I love pointing out flaws in society and hopelessly trying rectify ’em. Let’s stop lying to ourselves, mate. Let’s call a spade a spade. We’re the result of six million years of evolution with 100,000 years of experience as Homo sapiens. Not ass kissing, boot licking monkeys.So feel free to have and voice your opinions.           

On Monday, Apple released a new iPhone and a new iPad. The iPhone SE looks exactly like iPhone 5S, a beauty in itself but packs the internals of 6S. And the 9.7 inch iPad Pro looks like iPad Air 2, but packs the internals of the iPad Pro. Nothing huge, just simple evolutionary changes.

The T20 World Cup is splendid too, just flipping spectacular. 144WWW!

‘Tis, mate was the Weekly Email Blast, Email 53. Happy Weekend !!!

Samit Sharma

Published March 18, 2016

Merry March Madness, matey!         

Not the Basketball kind. The desperation for ways to start emails kind. It is obvious I’ve run out of ways to say hello that are not hello. Don’t judge an email by its first sentence. Just put up with irrelevant greetings like I am.          

Speaking of putting up, I just got over putting up with my year-end Economics test. It’s a wonder I’m still conscious. Economics is the worst subject I have in college. If it weren’t for RedBull and Ginseng supplements, I would’ve dozed off and flunked my test. Economics is the math of social sciences. Important, but an annoying little shit.            

This was a pretty stellar week, the best one in March. Monday was Pi Day. 3.14. Along with Albert Einstein’s birthday. Wednesday was Austin 3:16 Day. Stone Cold Steve Austin’s favourite day of the year. For the professional wrestling uninitiated, 3.16 wouldn’t matter. Even so, all you need to know is that Austin is the guy that gave the world this iconic aphorism. Arrive, raise hell, leave.

Hell yeah!          

Et yesterday was Saint Patrick’s Day. 3.17. The national festival of Ireland. Yeah, it’s a real thing. It exists out of sitcoms too. And is celebrated in more countries than any other national festival. 3.17 is the death anniversary of St Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland and a celebration of Irish culture in general. It’s the day people dress up green, wear the coolest hat on earth and drink beer. What’s not to love about 3.17? Happy Saint Patrick’s Day, matey. (Insert belated in the last sentence if you wanna, I don’t like that word at all). Celebrate your love for the colour green.

I’m gonna take a nap now. G’ Night.         

‘Tis, mate was the Weekly Email Blast, email 52. Happy Weekend !!!