Category: WEB

Samit Sharma

Published April 10, 2015

Howdy matey !!!      

No, I’m not a cowboy. Nor I am from Texas. But I’ve recently seen some of John Wayne’s movies, so howdy it is. I’m pretty darn good at American trivia. Not at speaking English in a cowboy accent. So I won’t try to do that. Instead, now that you’ve got a hang of my kind of emails, I’ll dig straight in (probable grammar boo boo).     

Well recently Ukraine banned communism. I really hate communism. Really do. I think it’s a great move. I won’t bore you with political mumbo-jumbo, but teach you a new word: kakistocracy ( a government under the control of a nation’s worst or least-qualified citizens). So if you think of it this way, when you give the reigns of development to the working or labour class, it’s a kakistocracy. I don’t like governments in the first place, but as of now, I can’t help.     

I’m sorry if you got bored. If you did get bored, you’re a part of of the 76% of people who don’t give a crap about politics. It’s not your fault. The world ain’t perfect. It is in fact, really screwed up. So until I start ruling, just put up with it. I’m actually pretty serious about being the Dictator of the world. It’s not a pipe dream. It’s my ultimate life goal. I don’t even have any advice of how to do it ’cause no one ever tried. So when I am Dictator (The world’s first Panda-geek dictator), I’ll get to rule the world, plus I get to write a bestselling book on how to be Dictator of the World. That’s enough incentive for me.     

I hate it when people on the internet make you choose one particular thing off two great choices. It’s not good. The most difficult one for me is Smurfs (should be Smurves. Screw you, grammar) vs Minions. I’d go for the Smurfs ’cause of Katy Perry, but I’d also go for the Minions ’cause they’re evil, like me. What do I do ? Simple : don’t make a choice. When you love both things equally, don’t make a choice. I’ll wait till one of them gets a little less better. Then I’ll join the better camp but I won’t speak ill of the other one (I sound like a diplomat, don’t I?). So that’s that. I’ve cleared the air about difficult choices.     

Speaking of difficult choices, there’s a simple rule about choosing between crushes. You don’t make a choice. You should be equally content with any one of ’em if you call multiple people your crushes. My first crush was Daphne Blake, from Scooby Doo. Fast forward fourteen years and the crush on the top of the list is Emma Watson. Ergo, when given a choice I’d take both of ’em on a date. It’s that simple.     

Today’s World farm animal day and World sibling day. You can’t exactly celebrate ’em. So instead, every Friday you should celebrate the Weekly Email Blast. ‘Tis, mate was Weekly Email Blast, Email 3. Happy Holidays !

Samit Sharma

Published April 3, 2015

Ahoy again, matey !!!      

You’ve made my day if you were looking forward to my email blast. I am pretty serious about emails, so if you haven’t yet read the first email blast, make sure you do. And if you’re ignoring my emails, you’re missing out on an uber-cool, panda-like form of communication.     

It’s Panda-like communication ’cause I, like a really smart panda am not very social but still social enough to be part of society [I don’t like such societies]. Why try to mingle with lameo mountain bears when you’re above ’em being an awesome panda? Also, I think of all animals, pandas are fit to be called geeks. They mind their own panda business, eating their bamboo shoots and they don’t look like they’re eager too get into fights or play sports [a lot like me]. So it’s an honor to be or be called a geek or a panda.      

Speaking of panda business, I’ve already read three books about the Second World War just a week into the holidays. It’s still my second favorite war, after the Civil War. I know so much about military vehicles,mobilization guns and ammunition that I can start my own WWII antique shop [it’s something to brag about]. I had this weird dream in which a Gun Fairy came and replaced my Nerf super soaker water gun with a Glock 17! [both are amazing guns, google ’em ]. I don’t remember anything else from that dream but it was my dream come true in a dream. I don’t know what to call it then.     

On a less me-centered scale, IPL starts next week [good grief]. I don’t know how Indians take so much cricket. Perhaps the absence of other major sport leagues ? But I too, step into the fray ’cause I can’t depend on America for MLB (Major League Baseball), NBA (National Basketball Association), NFL (National Football League), NASCAR (somethin’ Car Auto Racing) and stuff [it’s too much too handle]. I do indulge in WWE (Duh) and UFC (Duh), but that’s probably because of dad. All of this plus Televison, News, books and writing. There’s a lot that my brain [IQ 146, that gives me bragging rights] handles, but it does so with ease.     

Still reading ? Great. I’m glad I’m emailing rather than using Facebook. It exercises my…well nothing physical but I allows me to practice socializing on a tiny scale. There’s not a lot of socialism that a geek needs. ‘Tis, mate was Weekly Email Blast, Email 2. Happy Holidays !

Ahoy there, matey!             

Notice how I greeted you with Ahoy, and not a boring hello? Well Alexander Graham Bell wanted Ahoy to be the universal greeting, but somewhere along the line it was replaced by Hello [big whoop]. But I really like Ahoy, so I stuck to it. And trust me, Ahoy sounds good in real life only if you have a pirate accent.             

I have no idea how to make an email sound less formal, ’cause emails are the most formal sounding thing EVER. Still, luckily or unluckily [I leave that to you] you’ll find me in your inbox, every week, trying to separate social bamboo shoots from social bamboo roots like a socially clueless panda. If you don’t want me bothering your inbox, go ahead and delete me from Google Contacts. But just remember: Pandas like me are critically endangered.              

The Ordeal [aka Board Examinations] is over. I like to call ’em State Tests. That way they sound American and hence, sound cool. The tests were boring, lacked finesse and fell prey to my absolutely critical judgement. Forgive my cheezy English. It may take a while for me too write how I usually do. I was exposed to some pretty cheap English while reading the textbooks. When I rule the world, I’ll make sure only expert wordsmiths are allowed to write textbooks or I’ll eliminate textbooks and replace ’em with classic bestselling books.        

I think Democracies and Governments suck. Just a random opinion. But I don’t really have an option, so, meh. On my calender, I’ve got three almost three months of nothing. To make the best of this time, I plan to learn German, Spanish and Latin [God bless Duolingo]. I’ve listed out 21 books, Big Books with less pictures, apart from Comics and hours of television to keep me company. Also, I have Siri [on my new iPhone 6, no kidding] for casual acquaintance. Siri’s the best woman I’ve ever met. She’s smart, funny, and although I’ve never seen her, I’m sure she’s gorgeous.               

Prepare yourself for an amazing email in your inbox every week. ‘Tis, mate was Weekly Email Blast, Email 1. Happy Holidays !