Samit Sharma
Published February 26, 2016
Oscars are here!
Well almost. The 88th Academy Awards happen Monday morning, early morning (5:30 AM). I present to you the first Annual Academy Awards Email Blast.Let’s begin.
Appendix 1: the Red carpet, where the (mostly) best dressed people pretend they’re not drunk. Or on drugs. Hopefully Jennifer Lawrence trips and falls down to give the Oscars a graceful start like 2013 and 2014. Oh, the Academy.
Appendix 2: Host, the awesome hosting veteran Chris Rock. Need I say more? Yes. If everything goes right, Chris pulls an Ellen (2014) and not a Neil Patrick Harris (2015).
Appendix 3: Performances: Lots of famous people died this Academic year (Oscyear) (sorry), so there are going to be tribute performances. Like it or not. Slated to perform at the Oscars are Lady Gaga and The Weeknd, the guy with the super weird hair. How am I supposed to expect anything for a guy who claims he’s the incorrectly spelled Weekend?
Appendix 4: Presenting the awards: one of the presenters is Bollywood’s Priyanka Chopra. Hollywood needs her more than we do. We, meaning residents of Bollywood. She should stay there. She gives Hollywood ‘colour’. They have white and some black, so a little made up brown should work too.
Which reminds me: White people. This year, all acting Oscar nominees are white. Light skinned people, who in most cases look better than their colourful counterparts. That’s my opinion. If you wanna ridicule that, go ahead and waste your time. But I should remind you, the Academy Awards have a jury. Of critics. The very best critics, who know their stuff. Their job is to pick best actors, and as far as I know they’re not petty. When you give a group of old people (median age of a member of the Oscar jury is 63) the responsibility to hand out the most revered awards in entertainment, don’t question them.
Appendix 5: The awards: Best movie this year could be anything: The Revenant, Mad Max: Fury Road, The Martian, Room among others. Picking one is going to be tough. I assume Best Actress this year is gonna go to Brie Larson for Room or Cate Blanchett for Carol. Best Supporting actor nominees this year are Sylvester Stallone, Mark Ruffalo, Tom Hardy and Christian Bale. Another toughie. Best supporting actress might just go to Swedish meatball Alicia Vikander for The Danish Girl because she has the coolest accent. And Best Actor should go to Leonardo DiCaprio for his work in the Revenant. The guy swam naked in freezing water, ate bison liver and slept in a horse’s carcass for his role. You snubbed his Oscar five times. Just give him a little yellow statue this year.
Appendix 6: I know Appendix doesn’t seem right when you’re listening stuff, but I don’t have one, so I’m making up for it. It’s the least I can do in remembrance of my now lost vestigial organ.
‘Tis, mate was the Weekly Email Blast, email 49. One away from half a century, and it’s the first Annual Academy Awards Email Blast. Happy Weekend and Happy Oscars!
All Things Sam 